Jacob

Born July 6th, 2010

Jacob was our fifth child, and his birth is technically a “miscarriage” (what a term) since he was dead when he came out at 14.5 weeks.  However, he is our child, who I hope to meet someday in Heaven, and I held his precious body in my hand after giving birth to him.  Here is what I have written in the past about it; first is the “requiem” I wrote immediately afterwards.  Second is what I wrote when I became pregnant with our sixth child, looking back.  I could barely write it then and am not able to add anything to it now.  I believe with all my heart that God wrote his story and while I have had a very hard time with the outcome, I trust that God is good and that Jacob’s short life fulfilled its part in the great and majestic plan of God for His creation on earth, and continues to do so in eternity.

“Requiem”

The following is a requiem for Jacob Born.

Although gone, you shall never leave us.

Divinely made, divinely taken.

Perfect and in perfection.

Our little boy.

We will never forget you..

Goodbye, Jacob.

“The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.”
Jacob’s Birth

My miscarriage 1 1/2 years ago was horrible.  Afterwards I remember thinking “Why didn’t anybody tell me these are so awful??”  But in discussing it with friends I learned that not everyone’s miscarriage is as dreadful and traumatic as mine was.  My husband was stuck in Canada at the time, and I was living with our four kids.  I was at 14-15 weeks (usually considered relatively “safe”) and it happened at night.  I was alone in the bathroom for hours, passing in and out of consciousness, losing a LOT of blood.   …..Not a pretty picture but I want to be real.  I ended up in the ER in the morning…and our wonderful paramedics even got the kids donuts!  Bright moment in a real dark time. And at least I got to hold his body (we named him Jacob) – for some reason this made it slightly better….he was so tiny but so perfect….And Jacob would have been a little over a year old right now.  Mothers don’t forget.

So being pregnant again is obviously bringing those memories front and central.  Jacob’s passing was of divine intent, and I can say now that I see small glimmers of understanding it, but it’s very hard.   And honestly, becoming pregnant again was way off our radar, although we had taken no permanent measures to avoid it.  Nathan was officially DONE-done with having kids.  I took the fact that since we hadn’t tried terribly hard to avoid having another yet my womb had apparently been “closed” for 19 months as a sign that God was giving us the no-kids light.  So I’ve been volunteering at the local hospital’s birth center to help with my “empty arms syndrome.”  I don’t know if that one’s official yet but it should be!!  Whether you’ve had no kids or four kids (me) or whatever, when you want a baby and don’t have one it’s just plain hard!

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