Well, it’s “out” now. I’m at 8 weeks (LMP) and willing to let the world know….if only because friends and brothers and sisters in the Lord, please pray for us! All is well but I’ve been struggling with normal 1st trimester tiredness and food avoidances…and with fears. You can read below for more details, but we covet your prayers. Thanks!
I wrote the following a month ago, for myself, as a way to process things.
— We just had it confirmed. I am pregnant with our 6th child, hopefully our 5th living one. I’m writing now just to get my thoughts to slow down from the chaotic swirl they’re in, although I won’t probably publish this for a while. Baby is only 2 weeks old (“4” according to standard LMP timing).
Not even sure where to start. Since I’m writing for me, not y’all, I am just going to go with the flow and hope you can follow. 😉
My miscarriage 1 1/2 years ago was horrible. Afterwards I remember thinking “Why didn’t anybody tell me these are so awful??” But in discussing it with friends I learned that not everyone’s miscarriage is as dreadful and traumatic as mine was. My husband was stuck in Canada at the time, and I was living with our four kids. I was at 14-15 weeks (usually considered relatively “safe”) and it happened at night. I was alone in the bathroom for hours, passing in and out of consciousness, losing a LOT of blood. …..Not a pretty picture but I want to be real. I ended up in the ER in the morning…and our wonderful paramedics even got the kids donuts! Bright moment in a real dark time. And at least I got to hold his body (we named him Jacob) – for some reason this made it slightly better….he was so tiny but so perfect….And Jacob would have been a little over a year old right now. Mothers don’t forget.
So being pregnant again is obviously bringing those memories front and central. Jacob‘s passing was of divine intent, and I can say now that I see small glimmers of understanding it, but it’s very hard. And honestly, becoming pregnant again was way off our radar, although we had taken no permanent measures to avoid it. Nathan was officially DONE-done with having kids. I took the fact that since we hadn’t tried terribly hard to avoid having another yet my womb had apparently been “closed” for 19 months as a sign that God was giving us the no-kids light. So I’ve been volunteering at the local hospital’s birth center to help with my “empty arms syndrome.” I don’t know if that one’s official yet but it should be!! Whether you’ve had no kids or four kids (me) or whatever, when you want a baby and don’t have one it’s just plain hard!
I’ve been kinda laughing, because only 2 nights ago I was telling a 16-year-old new mother that her baby was NOT a mistake, and that I was happy for her, and God plans kids not us (she agreed to that all, fyi :). So it’s been useful to remind myself of the same!! Although my “plans” certainly did not include a pregnancy right now, and I have been feeling so over-the-hill at 34 (since randomly discovering that 32-34 is the age where surrogate services don’t accept mothers anymore – too old!), I know God has His plans. I feel so much like Sarah: (Gen 21:6) “And Sarah said, “God has made laughter for me; everyone who hears will laugh over/with me.” ” I really feel like laughing over this surprise! Obviously I’m not expecting my first child at 90, but I think it’s still pretty funny. 😀
And lastly, I have to say that although I’m in shock, not really looking forward to months of tiredness/crankiness/soreness/and a really painful bit at the end, I am very happy. Laugh with me!
And here’s a youtube video that is so appropriate….: