An update! I realized that my Fall craziness post sounded so terribly over-committed, and maybe some of you are worried for me, that I wanted to let you know life has been busy…but livable. 🙂 I (we!) made it through the fire of my first three months at Palomar’s CCE program, and onto the birth center for the next three months! My first shift was Tuesday and I got to see lots of newborn babies. Very Good Stuff for a mommy with empty-arms syndrome! I am enjoying my MOPS group, and while we had a crazy Oct-Nov, it’s been fun and rewarding. I’m also really enjoying our 6th grade girls who must youthenize me by years every Weds night! I decided to say no to the Weds morning Bible study, and haven’t made it to the Monday playgroup except once, but we are able to enjoy our small group on Sunday afternoons for a potluck! So a full and good life I lead. 😀
Yet it’s only December 8th, and I feel like I’m done with “holidaying!” 😀 Mainly that’s because we had a mini-Christmas here last Friday night, because Nathan’s wonderful parents were here from Canada on a four-day layover. It’s so nice to see them but so hard to see them go again! And hard to get used to a dishwasher that doesn’t mysteriously run itself, laundry that doesn’t just get done while I’m not looking, children that don’t get read to while I waste time on Facebook, a dog that doesn’t get her walkies in. …Yes, life without Oma and Baba is sad indeed. I think it really came home to me this visit that children need at least one set of dedicated grandparents. I really see how our kids’ grandparents feed needs in their souls that we parents just don’t, or don’t enough. At least we’re near my family, close enough for holiday drives (2 hours), so our kids aren’t really missing too much. But still. I’ve always thought that the instantaneous transport device is one of the most important inventions yet to be made. C’mon, world! Hurry up! 😉
I’ve been struggling spiritually for the last while as well. Fear. It keeps popping up and battering me about. When I get some perspective, I realize that I’m reacting completely overboard compared to what a normal response might be…but that doesn’t help. Days go by where I’m waiting for something bad to happen. Nothing really bad has happened recently, not for at least a month or so, but I’m still waiting. Some days it’s like I’ve decided somewhere internally that if I don’t expect the worst, I’m not going to be ready for it…and it makes living a normal life hard. I do appreciate days going by without anything horrible, but it’s a jaded appreciation. I wonder if something’s wrong with me, or if I’ve just changed…or if I’m secretly mad at God. I try to remember who God is and what He’s done for me and that the plans He has for me are good. That’s the only thing that helps. Pray for me if you can. Thanks!
Last Christmas season was really quiet. I’m wondering how this one will turn out. The kids are “getting” the nativity story better – I heard the two older girls telling each other the story of fleeing to Egypt as part of their pretend play this week! “Run, the guard is coming!” etc. 😀 I’m struggling a bit with materialism, to be honest. Oma gave me a budget and I went out and merrily shopped for days to make sure all the kids were done by the time that the grandparents were here for their visit…and it’s a hard thought-pattern to break. Except I’m outta money. Next week we’ll be seeing what the “Toys for Tots” people give us, and we have some little stocking stuffers that I’ve been picking up for a month…but no really nice big gifts for the kids. Nathan’s a bit upset with me for giving the kids presents he thought would be saved for actual Christmas day (spousal miscommunication in action!), and I am just so tempted to buy them more! But looking at our budget really shook me. (warning: transparency) We are hoping to be done with seminary by Dec 2012, with no student debt, but as of right now (looking a year ahead) our budget is bleeding red significantly in student loans. Yikes. Just so you know, that’s assuming that neither of us works for the next 12 months – cuz I’m a pessimist when it comes to numbers. A normal job would take care of the debt, but so far we haven’t been able to find a normal job. Kinda makes that cute toy seem like an unnecessary expense. And makes me wonder what God has in store for us – because I _know_ He will provide. He’s proven that 100x over….but how?? 😛
I think that I am just going to give up worrying for the Christmas season. I’m sure it will wait for me in January. I’m just gonna throw myself into the moment, and try to think about what grace means. Wanna join me? =D
And all the while I’m remembering the reason for the season. Last Sunday’s Sermon on Christ the Suffering Servant from Psalms just rocked – click here to access VCCC’s media to hear it! (it should be up very soon) I really need a gospel makeover….don’t we all? 😛